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Are You Nuts?
Is Being Submissive Normal?
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So what sort of person gets involved in BDSM? All sorts!
It's been my experience that there are a few basic characteristics that bind
most of us together in this lifestyle. First, most of us are of above
average intelligence. I think that it requires some extra intellectual resources
to be able to see beyond the trees and get a good understanding of what the
forest is all about. There are some complex issues in BDSM that requires one
to be able to
construct
abstract concepts and see what others would condemn as vulgar or violent,
as expressions of basic human qualities. So much of what we do in BDSM is
to deal with symbols of erotic concepts.
Second, it takes a person that is able to see the gray that lies between the
black and white in the world. It's not easy for many people to understand
that in between the sensations of pleasure and pain,
there lies a whole field of wonderful sensations.
Third, we are for the most part, creative people. Yes, it's not simple to just come up with all of these things
that we love so much.
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One needs to put forth some effort to play around with all of the different images, physical sensations
and emotions to produce interesting and effective play scenes. Paint by number dungeon scenes fall dead in the air like a lead sinker in a bucket.
Fourth, we have an intense sense of adventure and are prone to search out experiences
that get our adrenaline pumping. If you have read this far, I don't need to say
much more about this one. You know what I mean.
Finally, for the most part, I have found that those involved in BDSM have earned
a level of success in both their vocation in life and in their personal life.
BDSM can be very intimidating to people that do not possess a firm grip of
who they are and what they are all about. In fact, so many people come to
BDSM as adults after they have had substantial experience in the world and
have gained some self-knowledge and wisdom. They aren't people frailing around
in life searching for meaning. Many have climbed the mountain and reached
the summit. Now it's time to come back down and have some fun along the way.
What would be considered unhealthy in BDSM?
I have been asked this question many times. There are times when someone should
not be involved in the lifestyle, at least for a while. Here are some of the
observations that I have made.
Whenever someone suffers from a severe mental disorder like schizophrenia, post-
traumatic distress syndrome or chronic substance abuse, the BDSM lifestyle
should be avoided. It can be too dangerous if you are not able to think
clearly and make rational decisions. BDSM is also not the place to go to cure
what ails you. If you have emotional problems, get professional help. There
are no 'guru' Masters or Mistress's that are equipped to help you work your
problems through. When the waves settle down and you have smooth water to
sail on, that would be the time to get your feet wet in the lifestyle.
But move very, very slowly.
BDSM should not be a front for abusive behaviour. Yes, I have seen where someone
is in a terribly destructive relationship with all the earmarks of domestic
violence and they claim that they are just living the BDSM lifestyle. Abuse
is abuse. It hurts both physically and mentally. When someone stands
in the kitchen and hits you over the head with a frying pan, it's not called cooking!
The same is true for BDSM. The reason why we in the lifestyle enjoy BDSM is
because it makes our life enjoyable. It expands our horizons, not constricts
them. It's pretty easy to differentiate those that are practicing healthy,
mutually enjoyable BDSM from those that are suffering from abuse. Just take
a good look at their face. If you see a smile (a real smile) then they are probably living a healthy lifestyle.
When participation in the lifestyle becomes so compulsive that it begins to
interfere with normal life, then something is wrong. We don't hang up our
humanity at the door of the dungeon. I hear people saying that
they need to be submissive, or they need to dominate someone. If you want to
be a Dom or a sub, that's great. If you need to be...better watch out! I like
what I do. It's a large part of my life. But if I had to walk away from it,
I could in an instant. Life without BDSM might seem like a bit of a drag to
me, but I am sure I could survive and thrive without it. One needs to keep
clear what their wants are and what their needs are.
I would like to make this important point; if you aren't having fun, something is wrong.
BDSM is an equal partner activity. It should be, in fact must be, mutually
rewarding to both you and your partner. There are somtimes when there may
not be magic happening between you and whoever you are playing with, but in general,
you should always be able to say, I feel better and my life is more rewarding
since I have been in the lifestyle.
On Being Submissive...
In a world where a secure, assertive, personality gets you to the top of the
hill, why would you want to choose to be submissive? Even in the BDSM Lifestyle,
why does someone choose the submissive role instead of the dominant one where
all of the power is lodged? Many beginners come to me and question
their submissive tendencies. In their fantasies, they find being submissive
is all that they think about, yet in their vanilla life outside of the dungeon,
they are strong, potent individuals. It's easy for them to understand that
being submissive will allow them a temporary escape from the responsibilities
they shoulder with their families and work, but there seems to be something more that pushes
them forward onto their knees.
Is there a fundamental flaw in their personality? Are they really insecure
about life underneath a facade of confidence? Is there a stream of guilt running
below the surface that needs to be appeased in order to set them free and
truly celebrate all that they have earned from their hard work? Do they feel
overwhelmed with life and need to check out of it for a while to reconstruct?
Are they suffering from a mid-life crisis and need to be a rebellious, bad
boy for awhile?
These are questions that I have actually heard over the years. They are searching
questions for which each individual needs to find their own answer. Sometimes
they are just fleeting queries and sometimes, for others, they bear substantial
gravity. Either way, they represent conflicted thoughts and feelings that
can be uncomfortable.
I wish I could just say "Hey, don't worry about it." and in a breath, have
it all go away. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for all people. The crux
of the problem is that BDSM is such a great departure from our other selves
that we have become comfortable with. Actually moving fantasies forward
to reality, is scary. Frankly, it was for me when a light went on and I
had to admit I was really a sadist. Darn it, I thought I was the nice girl
next door that really cared about people! What a challenge it was at first
to accept that maybe, that wasn't altogether true.
Given a short (very short) period of time, I came to realize that I was a
sadist which got turned on by all of this and still the nice girl next
door too. When I am in the dungeon I am wicked, when I am out in the world doing
other parts of my life I am different. It really boils down to the fact that
most people, particularly intelligent, active and resourceful people, are
multidimensional. Because we are active, we enter into environments that are
very different from one another. Because we are intelligent and resourceful
we understand that functioning in different environments requires that we
behave differently. Because we are resourceful, we are able to adapt to whatever
situation arises.
Some may criticize this by saying that it lacks integrity. In other words,
you're behaving like a sleazy politician, just doing whatever is best for you
at the time. But if we look at modern humanity we can clearly see that we
no longer live in a small hamlet that is isolated from the rest of
the world. Most people today hold more than one role. We live in a complex
world that doesn't allow us to be exactly the same in all places. We must
form little compartments in our life and maintain some boundaries around them
so that we are able to function in them efficiently. Provided we maintain
some core values, such as being true to ourselves and having compassion for
others (really not hard to do, for even sadists like me really care about the
subs that serve us), then we can live with integrity, no
matter where we find ourselves.
Life is complex and we don't always get our needs and wants met in one place,
being one way. At work we may have to be in control and more pragmatic then
we would be with a significant other or our children. If we are in business
or the sciences, we often need to deal with hard facts and objective conclusions.
When we walk into our churches or synagogues, we function more on faith than
on fact, and can be much more subjective when we make decisions about our
life. Each way of being is true and real, but not necessarily consistent
in character with the other. Being submissive may be just something that you
want to experiment with, or something that you want to be a small part of
your life. You may decide to enter into the BDSM lifestyle with a substantial
commitment. However you decide to practise BDSM, it does not mean that it needs to conflict with the
other dimensions of your personality. If you are being submissive as an escape
from pressures in your life...fine, escape for awhile. It won't hurt you.
If being submissive conflicts with the very dominant characteristics that you hold
in the business world...fine. Let them conflict. Maybe that's just what they
are supposed to do so that you can better realize the gift that you have in
your career. If all of this Dom/sub stuff seems impractical and is inconsistent
with your normally pragmatic methods...good. Let it be. It may just be what you
need to balance out an otherwise logical, reasoning life. It may be adding
spontaneity and adventure that you need to really experience the wonderful
gift of life that we have been given.
The bottom line is this; Feeling guilty, insecure and confused about wanting
to be submissive gets you nowhere. What you are feeling and thinking is
not harmful to anyone. Most of what you may fantasize about is not unique
to you, there are literally thousands and thousands of other people out there
with the same thoughts. Turning your wants into reality can be done in a sane
and safe way, by simply observing basic common sense. You're not crazy. You're
not nuts. Wanting to be submissive is normal for a multidimensional person
like you, that lives in a complex world!
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