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Love and Romance
In The Domination and Submission Life-style
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There
are many ways that people in the life-style meet their need to
practice D/s. Some form relationships with professional Mistresses or
Masters. Others are constantly trolling the Internet, News groups and
chat rooms trying to hook another interested party for a secret
liaison because a wife or husband doesn't share their interest. If it
be a single person, they may be searching for someone to date and
possibly even have a long term relationship with.
Although not billed as ‘places
to meet a mate' educational organizations, munches and clubs provide a
venue for many like minded folks to get together and possibly engage
in play. Frankly, after running a dungeon, I must say that the
frequency of two people meeting at a D/s party, falling in love and
actually getting married is relatively low. I will be the last one to
say that it is not a possibility because that is where I met my
husband and we have had a wonderful
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relationship from the beginning.
But for the most part you can see a game of musical beds going on.
Quick passionate flings leading to the same dead end. It does help
tremendously though if you can find someone in the life-style
because only then can you enjoy a truly honest, intimate, and
fulfilling relationship.
All
too often though, one partner in a relationship has a yearning to be
submissive or dominant and the other doesn't have an idea what it's
all about, let alone the inclination to participate. Such is the
blight of so many people. You live with a secret, or try to get the
person you love to accept and participate in D/s. So often people in
this position never address the issue with their partner for fear of
rejection. Unfortunately this can lead to a good deal of emotional
pain and suffering for both parties. When secrets are kept in
relationships there is always that wall which prevents true intimacy.
Get used to hearing this now because I will repeat the theme often. To
be loved unconditionally and share our deepest selves with another, is
the most profound emotional and spiritual need of all humans.
In his practice as a therapist my
husband would always differentiate between two characteristics of love
within a relationship. First there is the Romantic Love which
we feel when the relationship first begins. The word romance comes
from stories of ancient Rome where love is an exciting and glamorous
affair. There are all the scenes of enchantment and ecstasy that today
fill the pages of movie scripts and television drama.
It is interesting that the
Italian word 'Amore' comes from the Latin 'A' : meaning next to, and
'Mor' : death. Now I am sure that it was not meant that to be in love
one would die physically. Rather it refers to the ego, that which
constitutes the definition of ones self, is abandoned for
something else.
Although
it is very exciting, it is clear from the meaning of that word
that love, or romantic love, is not a place of growth for the whole
of the human spirit. Romantic love is where fantasy is used to
construct a ship out of illusions, denial, and unrealistic
expectations, that sails us out away from life where we can have
sanctuary from all it's pressures.
As wonderful as it is, and as
lucky as we may be if we have a sense of romance in a relationship,
the truth is that this kind of Romantic Love can not hold together a
nurturing, long term experience for two people. Yes, we may use a form
of it as an anchor to keep passion in our life, but such initial
romantic love in our relationships does not keep the wheels of our
emotional and spiritual life turning and moving forward on solid
ground.
What
is ‘Real Love'? This is what my husband calls the ‘stirring
the Oatmeal Love'. Getting up and going to work every day, cleaning
the house, watching the television program you don't like, sleeping
next to flannel night gowns, living with the snoring, tossing and
turning nights with farts between the sheets stuff! Not exciting, but
the real things that we do in everyday life with our partner.
It is here that we are real and
we find the unconditional acceptance that is so necessary for us. This
is the 'For better and worse vow' that drops out of the glamour and
majesty in the celebration of a wedding like a lead sinker in a
bucket. But without this glue, which holds two souls together, a
marriage profits no one except the caterer and florist. This is what
those fifty year anniversarys are made of. Without it, the flame of
romance that once burned, blows out. We start looking for another
spark to set a blaze the fire in our hearts.
How
do we know what Real Love is and when we have it? Try asking
these three simple questions of yourself about the person you think
you love.
First is: Do you feel
excited being with this person? Are they fun to be around and do you
feel a loss of that excitement when they are absent from you for
awhile?
Second: Do you feel
freedom with this person? Can you be who you are, revealing your dark
secrets and unpleasant emotions and insecure feelings? Do the dynamics
of your relationship encourage you to be vulnerable without much fear
of emotional danger? Can you say I want or don't want without
trepidation, negative consequences and resentments?
Third: Can you commit
yourself to this person? All too often, people answer "I do"
to this question in their wedding vows without knowing what the
question really is! Unfortunately, it's because romantic love has
clouded their vision and what they are really saying is that they are
committing to the ideal of the perfect marriage, not to the reality of
the work which living with the imperfect person standing before them
entails.
Saying
yes is easy when you're holding a basket of dreams in your hand and
the excitement of last night's wild passionate love- making lingers in
your mind. But what happens to those dreams when the job becomes a
struggle, your style of car is no longer seen in sexy television ads,
you think someone switched your child in the delivery room with a baby
from the Adam's Family, her boobs are hanging down to meet her hips
like basketballs instead of softballs and the Doctor just prescribed
Viagra? Will the answer still be yes or will you be inclined to go out
shopping for romance again?
No, I'm not a pessimist, but life
and nature have a way of being truthful beyond our fictitious
illusions cultivated by the intoxication of romance. The good news is
that in the real love we find a place where we can really grow and we
can find true acceptance for the real us. Believe it if you
will, but this is where the seeds for a good D/s relationship
are grown from. This is where a couple can share their true feelings
and feel less inhibited by sexual insecurities. The illusions and
expectations of Romantic love are not the dominating factor in real
love and the individuals can relate to one another with more intimacy.
Remember the question you were
asked to answer above about feeling free. If you could answer yes
then you have one of the critical elements needed for real love and a
higher propensity for unconditional acceptance. With Romantic Love,
one must fit into an illusion that formulates an often rigid fantasy.
You must be the hero , the strong, masculine figure that radiates
virility. Or you must be the beautiful image of femininity that is the
mecca of sensuality. Either way, good luck!
A
leather clad woman leading her panty wearing husband around with a
collar and leash, doesn't quite fit this picture. No, in fact, it
appears to be diametrically opposed to all our images and
sensibilities of Romantic Love. Although it is my belief that Hallmark
needs to expand their line of valentines, I don't think they would be
very interested in buying any of the photos from this web page for
next year's cards. Where's the soft and sweet kiss or the candles and
flowers? The images on my page tend to reflect a harsh or even violent
emotion it seems. Where's the love?
The love is in the trust,
vulnerability, openness, and acceptance of one another as real, whole,
humans. What the images we see in D/s represent are feelings found
deep inside of us that we feel we need to be hiding away from our
social life. They are the foundation of our most intense
motivations both sexually and otherwise, that drive us emotionally.
They are guarded for fear of chastisement if we were to reveal them to
others. For us to realize ourselves as whole people though, we
need to be able to explore and express them.
With
most people, thoughts and fantasies which involve D/s themes are not
usually transitory. They are steadfast elements of our personality
that hold tremendous gravity in the working of our psyche. Most often
we see them occur in simple forms at young ages and re-occur
throughout our life. Most of us can trace early D/s fantasies
back to childhood impressions of family members or characters on
television, movies or comics books. Remember Cat Woman in Batman, the
perils that James Bond fell into, or the sweetheart cowgirl captured
by the outlaw wearing a black hat! Hey, they were exciting and turned us
on! Although we did not recognize them as sexual at the time, we none
the less retained the impressions and associated them later with the
glorious sensations of arousal that were such wonderful feelings as we
traveled that path through puberty.
I have yet to meet someone
that expresses thoughts of an interest in BDSM and then can truthfully
say that they never think of them again in their life. They stay with
us because they are an integral part of us. Frankly, I think it is
fair to say, that more people have D/s inclinations than would like to
admit it. Why else would the growing popularity of D/s in our pop
culture be there if it did not connect with the interest of the
masses? People are afraid of it though. It rests inside them and they
don't know how to come to terms with it. There is an old saying that
humor often comes from what people are afraid of. That is why there
are so many ethnic and racial jokes. How often have you seen humorous
references on television programs or movies, let alone wise cracks at
parties, that have a D/s theme? The collective conscience of our
society has a D/s dimension incorporated within it, but we fear it as
much as we flirt with it.
When
one has true love, they possess a gift of sanctuary from the critiques
of a judgmental (and maybe a hypocritical) world, and should be able
to share these intimacies with their beloved. With this gift there is
a reciprocal character of love which holds an unconditional positive
regard for the whole of the individual who is the
object of affection. This Real Love is of a stature of a sacred love.
It is a profound achievement which has a synergistic quality of
creating something greater than the whole of it's two parts.
There is possibly only one other
relationship that rivals Real Love between two humans. Religions
of the world describe man's relationship with God as being of the same
commitment, intimacy, acceptance and positive regard. Of
coarse it depends on ones own belief system, but imagine someone
knowing every deed, and even every thought that you have ever had, and
still loving you. Whatever your personal opinion of theology may be,
that notion seems overwhelmingly powerful. Maybe that is why the love
between a husband and wife (or it's social, cultural or politically
correct equivalent) has been ordained by church and state throughout
history.
Real
Love is indeed the foundation of all that we hold dear in life and it
is the best platform for a D/s relationship. D/s goes further in Real
Love. But what of romance and Romantic Love? Do we discount it as pure
follies or depreciate it to a level of a simple game played out in
sexual intoxication? Do D/s and Romantic Love share at least a common
bond of fantasy and illusion? How does a couple blend D/s, romance and
Real Love together into their relationship?
First and most important,
recognize that, like it or not, all three are part of your life
together now and must be dealt with. If they were not, you would not
have spent the time reading this! Whether it is both of you or, just
you, or only your loved one that has an interest in D/s, it is a part
of your relationship already. It will not go away and cannot be
ignored or denied! What needs to be done is to balance and prioritize
the influence it will have on your life and your relationship.
If
you or your spouse cannot accept D/s practice in your relationship,
then you need to examine if you are truly in love with the person
before you. Are you in love, or in love with the notion of just
having a relationship? Some people can accept never knowing love. It
is better for them to have the security of just having someone
there. Maybe it's a nice job, a stable income, a house, children,
prestige or all the other perks that goes with being part of a couple.
If you cannot talk with your mate for fear of losing all those things,
then you have your answer to these questions and of what your life
priorities are!
If
you have been unhappy for years because you have felt alone in a
marriage or relationship and yearn to be loved, even if you have had
no D/s inclinations (assuming your partner has), then maybe you need
to take the risk and start asking questions and exploring yourself and
your mate. There must have been something there, real or not, in the
romantic feelings you have experienced, and enough equity in your
relationship to induce you to continue reading this.
If your partner has approached
you with the proposition of introducing D/s into your relationship,
consider yourself lucky! They must be a brave person and think enough
of their relationship with you to risk deepening it. Opportunity
knocks
Now
here is where I can introduce to you a simple but profound concept.
True Romantic Love! When a couple's relationship grows through
the initial infatuation and experiences the intoxication of Romantic
love, it will then hopefully lead to Real Love. By stirring all that
'Oatmeal' and learning who the real 'whole' person they have
chosen to share their life with, they can now be introduced to the
passion of making love and playing with the true love of their life.
If there was enough romance in
the beginning to captivate your imagination 'Once Upon a Time'
there will be more there now. It may look different! Build on Real
Love with all it's deep intimacies, commitments and unconditional
positive regard. The possibilities are limitless. You will find much
more to do together. More adventure. More surprise. More creativity.
More imagination and exciting, closer to home fantasy! More trust!
Most of all the potential for an
increase in the wealth of love growing between the two of you grows
exponentially because the focus of all the passion between the two
lovers will be directed to the true, complete and whole people there!
~ Lady English
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